How We Spent Our School Holidays

First week going in and out the hospital and the week after staying home looking after my dad in-law..  He suffered from a mild stroke two days before mid-term school holidays started.  There's a blood clot on the right side of his brain and thus affected his left body movement.  The parents in-law stay with us now as I will have to take dad in-law for occupational and physiotherapy sessions at the hospital once a week.  Apart from that, he also goes for accupuncture and home massage.   That explains why the long hiatus in updating my blog.

At the hospital

I only managed to take the boy out for "Kungfu Panda 2" movie throughout the two weeks' holidays.  The school reopens tomorrow and we parents will have to go back to our usual busy routine after today.   I don't look forward to the homework and revision part.. especially with the next term test coming in two months' time.. Argghhh..   

A Splish Splash Birthday Bash

The above pictures were captured from our balcony.  A splash birthday party thrown by the parents for their 13 years old boy.  Children these days are so lucky, don't you think?... The party was held last Saturday morning and only ended at 6 in the evening.  The colourful tents on the right were set up with electronic games such as motor racing complete with car seats just like those that you see at the amusement parks.  Food was served in the tents on the left throughout the party.  No, we weren't invited to the party but our condo unit has got a clear view of the pool.  Music was blasting away in the backgound all day long with a MC and a clown to entertain the guests and to wrap it up, there were some water activities going on too. 

Will you throw a similar extravaganza party for your kids?

My Life is Missing...(Part 2)

Both hubby and I were equally puzzled by what my boy had said in Part 1.  This's not his usual jolly and innocent self and I don't think he understands what a missing and miserable life really means.  I agreed with Eugene that I should ask or rather grill him to reveal the "truth".

As my boy now sleeps alone in his room, I crawled to his bed the next morning after our conversation the night before.  He was half awoke by the movements I made.  While lying down by his side and cuddling him like a baby, I again brought up last night's conversation.

Mommy:  Boy, mommy is sad.
Ian: ......... (Mumbling, half awake)
Mommy : (Raises my voice).  Mommy is sad...
Ian: Why, Mommy?
Mommy: For what you had said last night.
Ian: .......
Mommy: What made you say that, boy?
Ian: It's a top secret.. I cannot tell you... because you'll feel hurt.
Mommy: Huh? Why will I feel hurt? (Getting a bit impatient but the pestering continues ..  I can be very persistent If I choose to).  

Only then he reveals..

Apparently, a new boy just got transferred (not from other class in the same school though) and being the team leader, my boy was instructed by his class teacher to guide him whenever possible.  He told me about this new boy earlier as he got excited and felt important on the task assigned to him.

They got so close that more often than not, this new boy poured out his dissatisfaction with his mother to my son.  With the exam drawing nearer, the mother of this poor boy was so anxious and enthusiastic about stuffing everything his son has to know and learn in a mere week or two and more often than not, burning the midnight oil.  The boy wasn't spared even during school hours as the mother would come during recess time outside the school gate and the coaching continued while the son had his home-packed food.  According to my boy, the boy complained headache and that his head was about to burst and was the most unhappy kid in the class.*shake head*

Our conversation continues...

Mommy:  (Relieved now that I know where he's got the influence on the life thingy from) Hmm... So boy, I can understand that.. But does mommy push you too hard and you've headache from studying too hard?

Ian: No.. mommy.  You are a very good Teacher Mommy.. Very, very good.

Mommy:  (On cloud nine...)... But... didn't you say you don't want to tell me something so I won't feel hurt??

Ian: Yes...

Mommy:  You must tell me that... (After much pestering and persuading)..

Ian: Because.... Revision is not FUN....

Mommy: (Suddenly boom... falls back on the ground to reality but I tell myself to keep cool).. Then, we don't do revision just for tonight.

Ian: Cannot.. Must do revision. (contradicts himself yet again..)

Mommy: But didn't you say Revision is no fun?

Ian: It's in the timetable.. must do one.

Mommy: :)

My Life is Missing... (Part 1)

I was taken aback by my boy when he said this to me this evening after school.

Ian: My life is missing.. (long sigh)
Mommy: Huh??? Why, boy?
Ian: I just know it, I have a miserable life. (longer sigh)
Mommy: What made you say that? Is it because mommy always make you do revision now that exam is here?
Ian: No. There're a lot of rubbish in my head and I don't know how to clear it.
Mommy: What kind of rubbish? Are you saying what mommy teaches you are all rubbish?? *Getting a bit annoyed by his remark*
Ian: No, those important things are safe.  I keep them at one side of my brain.
Mommy: *roll eyes* Ok, boy.. mommy might be pushing you too hard. We don't do revision tonight, ok.
Ian: No, I want to do revision, mommy.
Mommy: *Speechless*

After coming out from shower, he's back to his usual jolly self.

Ian: Mommy, My life has come back!
Mommy: Huh, why in a sudden?
Ian: I cleared the rubbish already.
Mommy: *roll eyes*

Let's Be Optimistic!

Each cycle of my mom's chemo took 4 hours, it varied depending on the drugs used and types of cancer, some only needed slightly over 1 hour to complete a cycle. I had to find ways to kill my time, one of them being chatting my time away with the patients, mostly elderly but quite a fair bit of them are about my age. Most of them looked somber and grumpy but I was lucky to stumbled upon few very optimistic ones.

Let me quote two cases I had come across during those days when I accompanied my mom for her cycle after cycle of chemotherapy at UMMC.

1. 
   
   This uncle in his 80's but still very active, healthy looking and had a good sense of humour, would come and  chat with me everytime he saw me.  When I told him he looked strong physcially and did not look like a patient at all, he would joke, "Ya, uncle looks good from the outside but not the inside" and he ended with a big hearty laugh.  He was diagnosed with colon cancer Stage III and his post-op biopsy report revealed his lymph nodes (can't recall now how many but quite a few) to be malignant (cancerous). He is a retired government servant so the expensive bills were claimable.  Ironically, prior to being diagnosed with cancer, he went for yearly colonoscopy religiously as he had a family history of cancer. The recent one that he did was one year before the diagnosis.  The doctor discovered polyps in his colon but without doing a biopsy report he vaguely concluded the polyps to be benign (non-cancerous)! See, how negligent a doctor can be!!  Only the next year when he went for another colonoscopy that they found the once polyps had now turned into a malignant.. tumour and he was in advanced stage!  The uncle took all these positively and as fate.  I regret not getting his contact numbers before parting ways as later on he had missed quite a number of regular cycles due to him getting poor result on his WBC (white blood count) and that refrained him from getting his chemo until his WBC went up.  Uncle, may you stay strong as always!
2. 
   
   This auntie, a retired teacher in her 70's came all the way from Malacca to seek treatment.  She had a relapse and the primary cancer was on her breasts (breast cancer), after 10 years, yes, 10 YEARS!! it came back knocking on her door (in her own words.. yes, another positive minded patient here) and the metastatic site this time was in her liver..  She needed another course of chemo and surprisingly she was very optimistic about her condition.  I think I really need to learn from her, seriously..  I almost brokedown during the whole course of ordeal in my mom's case.  The auntie even gave me and other patients her recipes to build up mom's stamina and strenghten her immune system as patients undergoing chemotherapy tend be immunocompomised (the chemo drugs actually kills both good and bad cells in our body, how scary can that be!) and get tired easily. She too, looked very healthy with rosy cheeks somemore and I thought she was the patient's family member when she first approached me..

People like Uncle (1) and Auntie (2) still fight on and appreciate life despite the stubborn and deadly disease that wouldn't go away and linger around them.   Everytime, when I come across commit suicidal cases that make headlines, I would ponder.. what makes them come to such extreme decisions that they have to take their own lives?  Hmmmm...   The end..

WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY WESAK DAY!

Simple Homecooked Meals

What's for lunch today? Same meal, leftover tasty rice from yesterday.  Only that I added two pieces of fried chicken drummets and an egg to the rice.  A simple soup made of minced pork as soup stock, celery and pototoes to go with the rice. 

I am happy that my boy still make an effort to finish his rice and soup after having more or less the same dishes two weeks in a row.  Today, he finally declared he gets bored eating rice everyday and requested that I cook noodles.;)

I get very lazy and moody of late and I blame it on the weather.  The sky is getting so dark now with roaring thunderstorms, I can see the rain comes anytime now. Haiz! Sien..

McD's Pancakes.. I Want, I Want....

The rain is pouring now on a supposedly beautiful Saturday morning. It usually pours in the evening when I go to pick up Ian from school. I had actually wanted to take my boy for breakfast at McD's before sending him to school for his Han Yu Pin Yin class at 9:30am, then I would go to the wet market to do some marketing to stock up the fridge for a week before picking him up at 11am.

I am craving for McD's soft and fluffy pancakes now after browsing the pictures uploaded by my cousin sister on FB. She cooked herself some homemade pancakes for breakfast and that made me drool. Hahaha...

I vowed to have it this morning when I wake up. Looking out now, the sky is so gloomy and everywhere is so wet and that makes me lazy to move my butt out from the house at this hour. Arghhh! Rain.. Rain... Rain.. go away and come back another day!

Graduated Already What!

My parents in-law always eagerly wanted to get involved about almost everything in their only grandson's life since the day he was born. I can't blame them for behaving like that as they had waited a long 6 years for us to bear them a grandson ever since we got married.

We celebrated my father in-law's birthday last year at a restaurant. When it was cake cutting time, Ian requested his yeh yeh to make a birthday wish first before blowing the candles. Of course his yeh yeh obliged and guessed what his birthday wish was. He wanted to see his only grandson through university and my mother in-law has not stopped lamenting about this over and over again. If you bore a child as soon asyou got married, your child would have been 12 by now. Ha! How I wish!

My mother in-law's life has been good and she had travelled half of the world if not whole until 8 years ago when she developed osteoarthritis and could not walk far and that marked the end of her travel stories. He gave birth to my hubby exactly one year after getting married and people like her would never understand the pain and torture that I had to endure. I broke down and cried everytime I had my menses but I am lucky to have a husband who will stand by me and consoled me everytime I broke down. Thanks, Fei Lou.

They came over last week and again my mother in-law lamented about how my father in-law wished to see his only grandson through university and that he must have at least 90 years old to be able to see that and that I should have bore them a grandson the moment we got married.

How I wished I could turn back time. I nearly could not keep my cool but I was glad I did. I chipped in jokingly and said that Ian had graduated from university. Both the old folks were shocked at my remarks and paused for few seconds before asking why I said that. I pointed at Ian's kindie's graduand photo displayed on the wall and said "Look at the photo, graduated already what! Everyone in the living hall broke into laughter.:)

Graduated already what! Wuakaka....

Confused

I accompanied mom to the Oncology Unit this morning for her 5th cycle of chemotherapy. The uncle I met and chatted with two weeks ago was there too to take his 8th cycle. He has been having problems with low platelet counts since his 3rd cycle and now that the doctor has decided to reduce his dosage from 3 to 2 bottles, same chemo regimen as mom's though mom's FBC (Full Blood Count) is still okay to take the full dose. I hope mom would be able to sail through and complete the whole cycle without any major problems.

It was a long wait before mom was called to the day care room due to staff shortage and quite a few of the staff were still on their Raya holidays. We arrived at 8.15am and mom got her turn only at 9.45am. As the whole session would last for 4 hours, I brought along my notebook and updated on my blog to keep busy.

I needed a hair cut desperately and had not got around doing it. I know I must make effort to prioritize and change my lifestyle and focus on being mom's caregiver and not going on wasting my time justifying and pondering on the issue of fairness or otherwise. Everytime when I feel down, hubby would say something like this: Just take the task with a noble mind without thinking about getting any returns. Fei Lou, easier said than done, I am trying very hard and have had struggles within myself for god knows, umpteen times.

The uncle that I met this morning praised me for being such a filial and good daughter as I keep mom company wherever mom goes in the hospital as I have to be there to be her interpreter, she speaks no other languages or dialects, only Cantonese. Only God knows if I am even qualified to be “shortlisted” as a filial daughter. I know by transferring mom back to Sabah, I would get all the freedom that I have been wanting and without having to worry about cooking, dealing with mom's fluctuating emotions, her side effects from chemo, keeping track on mom's doctor appointments, going out and working on my assignments without feeling any guilt that someone ill is left behind unattended.

But on the other hand, I would not trust the doctors here in KL, let alone those in Sandakan! Would I blame myself or get blamed for the rest of my life should anything happened to mom due to negligence by any parties? I think I just have to learn to let go....

I Am Depressed

I think I already have most of the signs and symptoms of depression:

• I sleep too much, I feel fatigue and physically drained
• I feel hopeless and helpless
• I can't control my negative thoughts, no matter how hard I try
• I lose weight
• I am short tempered than before
• I have problems focusing
• I can be very mean at times but I can't help it

I get very depressed everytime mom complains of any side effects induced by chemotherapy drugs, no matter how mild it is. It may sound exaggerating but being a perfectionist that I am, I will blame myself for not doing enough and for the fact the I was the only one among four siblings that had wanted mom to proceed with the chemotherapy. I feel very much ALONE when things don't turn out the way they should. When I tried to share my feelings of anxiety and frustation with them hoping to get some sort of mental strength to get me moving, they thought I was just trying to shed "my" responsibility.

My siblings felt that mom would be better treating naturally with herbs and foods than having to endure the pain from the side effects induced by chemo drugs, which I strongly objected. I have always been the only outspoken one in the family but now I hate myself for objecting to them. Wouldn't it be good if I had had my mouth shut at that time and just follow the crowd? Why must I put myself in such a situation?

Life has to go on. Having wasted two weeks making my own life more miserable, I have finally decided to come out from the nutshell and these are what I found and I hope I could stick to the tips for self help.

The signs of burnout can present themselves in many ways, such as:

• 
  
  Changes in Sleep Pattern
  Sleeping too often, too little, or experiencing interrupted sleep can often signal caregiver stress or burnout.
• 
  
  Changes in Appetite Take notice of any change of appetite, such as eating more or less. This can result in weight loss and weight gain. Eating healthy can provide the much-needed energy to provide quality care.
• 
  
  Exhaustion Feeling fatigued is often one of first burnout symptoms people experience. If exhaustion prevents you from completing basic daily activities or is persistent, see your doctor.
• 
  
  Withdrawing from Friends and Family Caregivers suffering from burnout often withdraw from friends, family, and social activities. This may be due to feeling tired, experiencing guilt about being away from the patient, social anxiety or other reasons.
• 
  
  Feeling Overly Emotional Crying at the drop of a hat or feeling angry for no reason are important signs of burnout. Displaced anger can often occur during burnout.

Nipping burnout in the bud benefits both you, the caretaker, and the person you care for. You'll feel better, and thus be able to have more energy and ability to provide for the individual in need.

• 
  
  Take Care of Yourself You cannot possibly begin to care for another if you aren't taking the time to care for yourself. Keep up with your regular doctor's appointments, exercise, and a healthy diet.
• 
  
  Take Breaks Make time for yourself to relax and rejuvenate. Regularly schedule trusted friends, family, or a home health aide to relieve you of caregiving duties for a period of time each day. Many caregivers feel guilt about leaving the bedside, but it's also good for the patient. Seeing a new face and knowing the primary caregiver is getting relief can uplift morale. The patient may feel like less of a burden if the caregiving is shared.
• 
  
  Delegate Tasks to Family and Friends You will find friends and family are more than happy to help in time of need. You just need to ask. Things like cooking meals, running errands or cleaning can all be delegated to friends and family. Having someone else pitch in and help you with these tasks will leave you with time to concentrate on providing care for your loved one.
• 
  
  Educate Yourself about the Disease The more you know, the better you'll know what to expect. Ask doctors and nurses about your loved one's condition and what you as a caregiver need to know. The Internet is also a very good way to learn more about your loved one's disease. The American Cancer Society and National Cancer Institute are excellent places to start. As you research, write any questions or comments you may have for the doctor and take them to the next appointment.
• 
  
  Get organized Many caregivers also are responsible for maintaining medical records, insurance claims, and finances, not to mention medication and eating schedules. The key to success here is organization. Keep medical records neat and accessible by storing them in a large file, organized by date. Medicine schedules can be created with a spreadsheet, then printed out daily or weekly. As each dose is given, you can check it on the sheet with the time. The same can be done for eating schedules.
• 
  
  Join a Caregiver Support Group Whether it be online or through the hospital, a caregiver support group is an excellent way to meet others going through the same thing as you. It really does help to have someone who can provide you with tips or can identify with daily caregiving life. Most hospitals have a caregiver support group. Check with the hospital administration or social worker.

Full Moon

What Is Missing In My Life???

I played this "What is missing in your life" test on Facebook... and the result is F.U.N. Ya, ya .... my heart is crying out loud for Fun, fun, fun!!!!!!

I have been mom's caregiver since she was diagnosed with colon cancer. I spend my days doing internet search, preparing nutritious meals, providing transportation, talking to health care providers and making sure mom gets everything she needs.

Even though there are other family members but I am the only one nearest to her now, I am the one who deals with her medical care and makes the decisions. I feel a lot of responsiblity and pressure. I feel as though I fail miserably most of the time. I try to stay strong for her as this is my mother we are talking about.

Hubby is very caring and gets the burden off me when he sees I need a break. But he is having a hard time with this too and I have to comfort him. I don't feel it's fair to put my thoughts, fears and sadness on him. Fei lou, if you are reading this, please pardon me everytime when I lose my head on you.

Puteri Mart, Puchong

Papa and I like to go for our weekly grocery at Puteri Mart. We will have our breakfast first at the foodcourt where we get to choose our food from a few stalls that open in the morning. The place starts getting into full swing by noon time when most of the stalls are opened to cater for the lunch crowd and it gets even busier during dinner time.