Confused

I accompanied mom to the Oncology Unit this morning for her 5th cycle of chemotherapy. The uncle I met and chatted with two weeks ago was there too to take his 8th cycle. He has been having problems with low platelet counts since his 3rd cycle and now that the doctor has decided to reduce his dosage from 3 to 2 bottles, same chemo regimen as mom's though mom's FBC (Full Blood Count) is still okay to take the full dose. I hope mom would be able to sail through and complete the whole cycle without any major problems.

It was a long wait before mom was called to the day care room due to staff shortage and quite a few of the staff were still on their Raya holidays. We arrived at 8.15am and mom got her turn only at 9.45am. As the whole session would last for 4 hours, I brought along my notebook and updated on my blog to keep busy.

I needed a hair cut desperately and had not got around doing it. I know I must make effort to prioritize and change my lifestyle and focus on being mom's caregiver and not going on wasting my time justifying and pondering on the issue of fairness or otherwise. Everytime when I feel down, hubby would say something like this: Just take the task with a noble mind without thinking about getting any returns. Fei Lou, easier said than done, I am trying very hard and have had struggles within myself for god knows, umpteen times.

The uncle that I met this morning praised me for being such a filial and good daughter as I keep mom company wherever mom goes in the hospital as I have to be there to be her interpreter, she speaks no other languages or dialects, only Cantonese. Only God knows if I am even qualified to be “shortlisted” as a filial daughter. I know by transferring mom back to Sabah, I would get all the freedom that I have been wanting and without having to worry about cooking, dealing with mom's fluctuating emotions, her side effects from chemo, keeping track on mom's doctor appointments, going out and working on my assignments without feeling any guilt that someone ill is left behind unattended.

But on the other hand, I would not trust the doctors here in KL, let alone those in Sandakan! Would I blame myself or get blamed for the rest of my life should anything happened to mom due to negligence by any parties? I think I just have to learn to let go....